Dear Anonymous A**holes,
This is me circa 2008. High school junior with one more year of Hell left to trudge through. The party for two of my friends that were graduating could not have been on a more beautiful day. Sunshine, free food, friends...
I look SO thrilled, don't I? All smiles and whatnot?
Yeah, I know, dripping sarcasm is one of my favorite accessories. I wear that sh#t like most girls wear a necklace. Don't worry, you'll get used to it.
But back to the gloomy girl in the ironically rain cloudy looking shirt.
This is me, I sh#t you not. When you get to know me, you'll understand why this is a big effing deal. Like many women, I used to hate myself. In this picture - I didn't know it at the time- I was close to 400 lbs. I had pushing 370-380 and every day felt like an excuse to die. I was absolutely miserable. I had so many hobbies, so many things that I loved but the number one thing I didn't love? My body.
"You're pretty for a fat girl."
"You'd be so pretty if you just came off a little bit of that weight."
"Do you have diabetes? No? Oh, so it must be a glandular or thyroid thing, right?"
I have heard it all. Even the things whispered behind my back.
"Shoot me if I ever get that big."
"She must be miserable."
Gross, disgusting, whale, cow, fat, fat ass, monster. These are words that were uttered about a single human being all over something so trivial as weight. But I didn't see it as trivial back then. I was in high school for crying out loud. Every day that I drew breath I felt like there was a target on me. Not just a target on my physical being, but on my heart, my soul, my mind. I had a gigantic sign above my head, visible to everyone but me that flash RUIN ME!
Ruin me they did. For years, years of my life, I floated through existence with my eyes to the ground. I was far, therefore, how dare I feel anything other than shame? As a gross, disgusting slob of thing, not even a human, a thing, what right did I have to wish for happiness, for love? My rolls and wabbles should have been a constant reminder of my self worth. What was I? Stupid on top of being fat? Fat people don't get to be happy. Whenever I lost track of my lot in life, never fear, there were always generous members of society who would go out of their way to remind me.
"You'd be so much happier if you weren't so weighed down and heavy."
"You don't have to eat your emotions you know. Nothing is that serious."
"You look so miserable, why don't you change it. Being happy is a choice."
Gee, ya don't say? Thank you, kind humans for telling the ignorant fat girl how to think. I ever so much appreciate the years of psychological damage you have gifted me with. Oh look! You even gift wrapped it with a ribbon made of bullshit. Aw! How positively thoughtful of you. This is me, the me that I was seven years ago and I hated this me because day in and day out I was judged and belittled based upon one aspect of myself. My entire concept of self worth was completely absorbed in flesh and how much I had of it. I became suicidal, I became depressed and lonely. I felt completely singular. I was just this one speck of trash surrounded by amazing people.
I cut myself. Nothing major, just little pin pricks to draw drops of blood because I needed something, anything to make me feel. I wanted to see that singular drop of ruby blood and have something push pass the numbness that I felt on a daily basis.
I burned my self with hot water.
I berated myself.
I made myself feel like less than.
I hid myself....
I hid myself from my friends, from the world, from myself. The concept of self-love was a fairy tale that I cried over while I struggled not to slip my wrists and close the book of my life forever.
Words HURT.
They can damage and break even the strongest individuals. But they can also heal. Words can be taken back at the drop of a dime and be reclaimed, re-purposed and given new life. Words that hurt you do not need to break you. Take them back.
So, to all those people who thought I was just another easy target? To the people that thought they could break me? Guess what? Fuck it! I'm fat. I will never betray and hurt my body again for you or anyone else. I am fat. I am also a nail obsessed, natural hair loving, fashion crazed aspiring plus model who just happens to be a self proclaimed geek and an admirer of all things weird and awkward. If my fat bothers you, that speaks more of you than it does me.
My weight, my business so to everyone who wants to get their knickers in a twist over this post? Kindly, kindly, stay in your lane. Your negative presence in my life is no longer appreciated, required or welcomed.
* mic drop*
