I'm sorry

This past weekend has been hectic. A barrel of fun, but hectic. I had a charity benefit to attend on Friday, terrible weather, Autism meltdowns and a movie on Saturday, and a photos shoot followed by another night at another bar on Sunday. I had great moments and terrible moments this weekend. The highlight of this weekend however was getting approached by a friend whom -to be honest- I am not as close to as I would like, and getting the most profound shock.

To give some back story, this friend is both a man and a drag queen. My blog is, naturally meant for everyone, but marketed toward women. So what he said to me that night took me a back first and foremost because of his gender. With that being said, sweeter, more uplifting words have never been spoken to me before that moment.

He told me that he read my blog. I was shocked. My heart reached out to him when he told me that he was being willfully single, it was time for him to get back to himself, yanno? Without anyone else, because love always starts from within. I was in tears when he told me that, because of my writing, this thing that I started doing without direction, he was able to look at his naked body in the mirror. He was able to look at his naked form in a mirror and compliment himself because he has been reading this blog.

I sobbed. We wept together, hand in hand, in the middle of a crowded gay bar as money was being raised for an organization trying to help homeless LGBTQ youth, while the world around us celebrated the Supreme Courts decision to legalize what can now be called the nation over: marriage, marriage for me, marriage for you, marriage for ALL of us. Never had I felt more validated as a writer than when I sat with him crying.

I got called an inspiration, words I have longed to hear since the first time I picked up a pencil to write. I was told that my writing was touching lives in a way that I couldn't even comprehend. That is all I have ever wanted, even when I wanted so desperately to kill myself, I just wanted to feel connected.

That moment made me think of everything that I have gone through in my life. From about age eight to now, I have struggled with my weight, with my family life, with depression and anxiety, with self doubt, self harm, self hate and I have this to say about it.

Dear Body,

We have been through so much together, haven't we? I'm twenty-three now and you have been here all my life, the only person to truly be with me, to know exactly I go through on a daily basis since day one. The older I get, the more that I realize and truly understand that I have not been good to you. If I saw someone on the street treat a person the way that I have treated you over the years, I would call that person a monster. I would intervene, I would stand up to that bully. I would try to protect that poor person....I have been that bully. I bullied you for years, I didn't protect you from the outside world, but the most heartbreaking thing is that I never saved you from myself.

I never saved you from myself and for that I am sorry.

I am sorry for all the times that I insulted you. I have called you fat, I have told you that I hated you, I have tried numerous times to take you away.

I'm sorry for the three times I swallowed that fist full of pills out of the medicine cabinet. I'm sorry for how terrible that made you feel. I'm sorry for the way you had to vomit, sweat, convulse, and shit in an attempt to save me. You realized my worth when I was too blinded by my sorrows to see it.

I'm sorry for all the times I let the shower, or faucet run with hot water that caused steam to billow out and stuck my hand in, an arm in, to burn you, to cause you pain. I just wanted to feel something to prove that I could. I couldn't feel anything but the pain and it made me feel more human. I didn't want to be sad, I just didn't know how not to. So I had to feel pain to feel like I wasn't drowning anymore.

I'm sorry for all the times I have intentionally ground the razor blades into your flesh as I shaved, watching the blood run over Strawberry Skintimate shaving cream. I just wanted to feel. But it wasn't right to hurt you.

I'm sorry for all the times, I sat in bed late at night and grabbed you, squished you, flattened you trying to imagine what my body would look like if almost every aspect of you was changed. I shouldn't try to change you, not like that, that isn't how a healthy relationship works.

I'm sorry for all the times that I starved myself thinking that I would become this vision of beauty. I would sit for hours on end, with you crying for help but I ignored you. I ignored you and I'm so sorry. I thought that if I ignored you, my stomach growling, my insides feeling like they were going to scrunch together so hard that they would obliterate themselves. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for all the times that I made you feel worthless in comparison to other women.
"She has a better shape than me."
"She is so much prettier than I am."
"I could never look like that."
"I will NEVER look like that."
"She has everything I want but will never get."
"I hate that she looks better than me."
"She looks so much better than me."

I'm sorry for all the times that I told you weren't small enough, that you couldn't dance like that so you weren't fit to have fun at a club, or that your thighs were too thick, misshapen "baby legs" to ever rock that dress, that skirt, that outfit that you wanted to. Body, I have been so cruel to you. I have made you feel like nothing, I have had no regard for how I treated you and I am so sorry.

For so many years, I have harbored so much hate and resentment for you in my heart, looking back on it now, thinking about all the things that I have said and done breaks my heart. I hated you and you did nothing wrong. I cast you aside over and over, and when I finally decided to love you, you welcomed me back with open arms. You took me into your heart again as if I had did nothing wrong, as if I hadn't broken your heart, let you down, riddled you with scars, and bad memories. You loved me when I loved you.

So, I want to make you a promise, Body, if you'll listen to it and allow. I promise, that I'll always love you. I know some days I will have missteps, I might say something that I don't mean. I may have a bad day and act like an a** and have to come crawling back for forgiveness. But I promise that I'll never forget how much I love you. I promise that I won't try to change you by drastic, dangerous means, but as a collaborative effort between the two of us: mind and soul. I promise to never harm you again. I promise to accept you for what you were, what you are, and whatever it is that you may become. I promise to stop having hate for you in my heart.

Please believe me....

You mean the world to me. I can't lose you, not until the very end. I love you, with all my heart, and I promise that things will get better for us. It won't be easy, even though we have come such a long way together already, but I promise that I will always try. I'll never stop loving you, not now, not even again. I swear it.

With the utmost love,

Rachel Furr

P.S This is the you that I always want to embody: confident, full of love, striving to make dreams come true, accomplishing goals and paving a way for myself in this world with my ambition, dedication, and journey. This path is long, this path is hard, but it is my path, our path, to travel together. I cannot wait to see how this journey ends.