Let's talk about sex, baby! Why? Because, let's be honest with ourselves; who doesn't love sex? The champion reliever of headaches! The stress-reliever! The intimacy, romance, the heat, sweaty bodies, heavy breathing, and the insurmountable passion! Ahem....err....I think I got a little carried away for a moment. The point however is this: sex is amazing. This blog post is not for the faint of heart, nor the overly religious, nor is it, by any means necessary meant for prudes.
I like sex. Hm, maybe like isn't a strong enough word. Love sounds too generic and clichéd...I am enchanted with sex. I have no problem admitting it, see no point in denying it. My adoration for sex doesn't make me a slut: it makes me HUMAN. There are a lot of misconceptions out there about plus size women, sex, relationships, and love. Well, listen up all you fat shamers, because boy do I have news for you: contrary to popular belief, fat women get laid....A LOT.
Before I started writing this blog, I had already gotten laid twice. It felt phenomenal, if I do say so myself. See, the thing about sex, is that just like the above gif "If you say you haven't, you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut. It's a trap." My question is, why the hell does it have to be this way? We all have or are going to have sex at some point in our lives, except those choosing to be celibate for whatever reason. Some of us have a lot, some of us have a little, and some of us meet comfortably in the middle. So why is talking about sex so taboo? Why when I decide to have an open and honest conversation about sex on the bus or in a public space, why oh why, is that considered indecent?
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This is the year 2015 and people still recoil at hearing the word "clit" in general conversation. It's a crying shame. Clit, clit, clity, clit, clit...there, I hope I made you all sufficiently uncomfortable.
Moving forward. When I reached high school, a point in time where most of my peers had already had sex, or at the very least done something sexual, I was probably already pushing 300 pounds. I was still more trapped in the proverbial closet than R.Kelly, I had no boyfriend, and naturally boys didn't look my way anyway. But, I had the internet and I had stumbled upon erotica at an admittedly young age (about twelve, don't judge me ha ha) so I knew a fair, fair amount about sex. I would frequently day dream about what it actually felt like, how good it would feel, how close and connected I would feel to the person making me feel so incredible, how sexy it would make me feel. I spent, like any other teenager, a mass amount of my time thinking about sex.
Regrettably, like most teenagers, high school kind of ruined my life. High school and the people within it are what helped me to formulate my screwed up perception of how I was and what I needed to be. High school is where I learned that everyone thought that when it came to sex, fat girls were desperate. No one is going to love them, so they have to be super freaks in the bed just to keep a man. But they can only keep a man on the side because, you know, who wants to be seen in public with them? Fat girls have to try ten times harder to be in any type of relationship and are destined to forever be either the side chick, or the one he settles for.
Day in, day out, I was always overlooked. I was taunted, teased, harassed because of my weight, and all the while, my self esteem was chipped away like a raging storm washing over a rock until the end of time. I had my little change purse of sexual experiences, but I remained a virgin, I told myself on a daily basis that I was unlovable, that no one would want me for the long term and if that was the case, I never wanted to have sex. I stuck to that too. I got myself a B.O.B and the rest was history. I tried to put everything that surrounded me out of my head but it was impossible. I spent a lot of time with my toys, and play time was fun, but I never achieved an orgasm. I tried and tried, but it, I, would never come and I was left with nothing more than mounting frustration and disappointment.
I didn't feel worthy of one.
It's a messed up thing to say, it's messed up that we as women can feel that bad about ourselves that we don't even believe that we are worthy of pleasure, to feel good about ourselves in the simplest of regards. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was nineteen, when I lost my virginity. It was absolutely incredible. I saw stars, rockets, the whole shebang, it all went spinning across my vision followed by an intense, lasting flash of white light.
My first orgasm literally changed my life. Granted, my life was already beginning to change because I made the conscious decision to say "f*ck it!" to the rest of the world and love myself. However, my very first orgasm changed me in ways that I never quite knew imaginable. It felt as if something magical within me had finally been unleashed. I felt like a dragon breathing fire for the first time. I was unstoppable. I actually eased into it so naturally, rocking my hips with abandon that my girlfriend's nail nicked me and I bled. I didn't even care. Up to that point my body felt like this radiating power house of energy that was rushing through me at speeds that seemed inhuman. Never have I felt more like myself than when I am having sex. Doesn't matter the kind; a quickie, slow, passionate lovemaking, angry, make up, it doesn't matter.
I once hated my body. I would look at myself with such disgust and scorn, I was ashamed and I had no problem with letting it display. Once upon a time, I used to be a really shitty person to this body of mine. I'm so sorry for that. My girlfriend makes me feel like an absolute Goddess in the flesh. The way she has to show restraint before entering me, so she doesn't get too eager, so it won't hurt makes me feel so desirable that I almost melt. The way she can barely keep her hands off me makes me feel like the most desirable woman on the planet. We all deserve to feel like that. I will be the first to tell you that it's a wonderful feeling. But it is a feeling that has to start from within.
I don't think my first orgasm would be anywhere near amazing if it hadn't been for the fact that I actually decided to find a way to love myself first. Having someone to share your life with, share your bed with is great, but you have to want to share everything with yourself first. Being a plus size woman is difficult. We are constantly told that we are lazy, worthless, and undeserving because we do not meet a standard of beauty that was constructed. When, in truth, beauty is within the eye of the beholder and who beholds your body more than you? Loving your body when you have spent so long not doing it is difficult. You will have days where you slip and slide up that slope to the point where you won't know what the point of it anymore is.
But the point is being happy. The point of climbing over this mountain of self hate is to be happy and to the love the body that you have now: not the one you will have or the one you used to have. There is a whole other side to life when you begin to love yourself. And let me tell you, the sex gets so much more spectacular than that. There are few things as gratifying as grabbing your sexual confidence by the horns and owning that sh#t because it feels damn good.
I know it is hard to wash away all that negative thinking, but there is so much more to life than the negative comments of fat shamers and people who should really remember that your weight is none of their business. So go on now, wear stripes, wear crop tops, wear bold colors, draw attention to yourself, laugh loudly, dance like you own the place, and always remember;
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