So all last week I was super sick. I spent an entire week just gross, disgusting, bored, and sick. That's why there was no blog post for last week. Boo immune system, you suck!
With that being said...
I want to start this blog post off by saying how much I absolutely adore all of my friends and family. However, no matter how sweet the intentions, I take issue with people trying to give my fat a persona that I simply do not care for.
I AM FAT.
Am I pretty? You bet your sweet ass I am. Am I hot? Scorching baby, just stepped straight out of hell; and am I thick? The answer is a resounding "yes."
This does not however change the fact that I am fat. I weigh three hundred and seventy six pounds. 376 lbs. Six years ago, I would have burst into tears trying to admit that aloud. Six years ago, I would have gone into a spiraling depression if I heard someone call me fat. But I am. This blog isn't called "F*ck It, I'm Fat" because I picture myself as a beautiful, "chunky" fairy princess or a "plus size" diva. This blog has the name that it does because I believe that we should be perfectly able to reclaim words and be comfortable doing so. Reclaim the words that have hurt us so that they can never be used to hurt us again. This is a lesson that I learned from listening to the song "Pussy Manifesto" by Bitch.
There is so much power in the reclaiming of words. Why be distraught and broken up over a word? Without we, as humans, words have no meaning. It's all just gibberish that we strung together in order to communicate with one another. Language as we know it is just the pretty, dolled version of the "ug uug ughn" caveman speech of yesteryear. If you are an American, and you go to China and speak English. Will they understand you, no. Your words mean nothing to them. If a Chinese man were to go to Guatemala and speak Mandarin, would he be understood? No! Because his words wouldn't mean anything, and they wouldn't make a lick of sense.
You guys see where I'm going with this one?
I am fat, and if I want to call my fat that, then let me do it. I don't need comments like:
"It's not fat, it's fluff"
What am I? A marshmallow?
"You're not fat, you're just big boned/thick/got cushion for the pushin'".....just......no, could you not?
I completely respect people's right to refer to my body how they wish. So long as they are respectful, mind you. However, when I speak about my body, this thing that I have carried around with me since before I was scientifically even considered a human being: don't correct me.
You can call it fluff if you want. Chub if you want. You could call it banana for all Is very well give a damn, but when I refer to my body, don't correct me because your correction is made solely on the assumption that I do not like my body. My comments are not made for your assumptions. There are, sadly, plenty of women who are completely insecure with their weight, but I am not one of those women. I was one of those women for most of my life, it began when I was seventeen but I didn't completely come into myself, truly, until I was 19.
That was five years ago. I started getting fat when I was about nine, was fat by age ten. So for nine years of my life, I was this person, this girl I so self loathed.
I was the girl who called herself every word but "fat." I was/had:
Chubby
Chunky
Big boned
Curvy
Heavy-set
Plump
Juicy
PHAT
Fluffy
This asshat right here compiled an entire list of "funny" euphemisms for fat. I can guarantee you that when I was that girl; I like to call her Rachel 1.0, I probably called myself everything on that list at least ones. Some of them I used because I hated my body and some of them I used because it was easier, safer, better to call myself anything other than fat. I could be a juicy, plump, chubby little girl and stay in my little bubble of self-hate forever so long as I didn't have to hear that dreaded, painful three letter word.
F-A-T
I hated my body and I did terrible things to it trying to deny what was right in front of me. I'm not saying that everyone has to go out and go around calling themselves "fat" all day. You can call yourself whatever you like, so long as you treat your body with the same verbal respect that you require and expect from other people.
Verbal Respect. I like that, excuse me while I go add that to the title....
And I'm back!
I am fat. I'll say it until the day comes that it isn't the truest statement that I know. I am fat, but I am also many, many other things. I am a daughter, sister, lover, student, writer, artist, aspiring model, nail fanatic, nail obsessed, natural loving blogger who thinks that the media, society, and the people who follow these two things religiously can go suck an egg and choke on it.
Life is too, you only get one and no matter what you do, what you say or what you think, there is always going to be someone out there who is going to hate you. It sucks. It hurts. But does that mean you should be any less happy because of it? No! It means you should live your life for the only one that matters: you. So hold your head up high and splash on some fire engine red or bright pink lipstick, that is our shield against the bullsh#t of this world; with that, you are unstoppable and no force, no word, no person can touch you.
I don't want to be Rachel 1.0 ever again and even Rachel 2.0 is getting a major update. Pouring my heart out to anyone that reads my blog, knowing that even if I don't know it, that I make just one persons day brighter makes me strive to be a better person. I have so many dreams and aspirations in this life, one of the biggest ones is to take you all with me on this journey
:-)
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